To Forgive

I struggle with forgiveness. I find it hard to forgive myself for mistakes I make and I find it hard to forgive some people in my life.

If I forgive in my mind, it means the act was okay. If I forgive myself it almost like lets me off the hook and in my mind there are sine things that aee unfogivebale . I was watching pastor Doug Bachelor this morning and he was briefly talki g about forgiveness. Especially abiut forgiving yourself. He said he remembers things from his past that make him cringe. However he accepts that God has forgiven so he is not higher than God, so he should forgive himself. We need to receive Gods forgiveness and share his forgiveness. Matt 18:21-22. This is hard for me. I need to work so hard for this to work with me. I do not forgive myself.


Portsmouth SDA Church

I visited the Portsmouth Seventh Day Adventist Church today for family worship. Hard for me to do as I suffer from social anxiety but with God by side I was okay. Easily over 100 people but that was okay.

Heard a beautiful song which brought tears to my eyes. I must tell Jesus! Hymn 485 BEAUTIFUL blessing to hear this and touch my HEART.

I hope next Sabbath I can go to my local SDA church .thank you Jesus for giving me the strength today Amen

Foot washing?

So I understand that some SDA services conduct foot washing. Not sure what happens or why? Would be great if any Adventists would like to reply.

I have been a little absent recently. My counselling is now coming to an end after so many years. Life for a while will be very strange without my weekly sessions. But I truly believe that I have some great tools and feel equipped to face lifes adversity without my counsellor. God has given me so much strength to make the changes in my thought processes and even though I have not committed myself to one denomination, I have strengthened my belief and faith with God.

I guess not being brought up in a denomination makes it quite hard to decide which is the truth. There are some literal interpretations of the Bible that leave me cold and some that make absolute sense. I guess for me, it will end up with the closest I believe makes sense to me.

Should a denomination make you feel like you cannot be less than perfect. I truly accept our sinful nature and try as hard as we do, we all sin. I accept this. This does not mean its an excuse to sin rather an understanding why we find it hard to not sin. However i cannot accept that people are then cast out of their denomination and ignored or told they will suffer in Hell for ever. That is not what God wants for us.

Surely it is our place to not judge or punish but to support and encourage one another on this journey to hopefully eternal life.

Am I too damaged that God doesn’t want me?.

I pray, I cry, I talk , I get mad, I get thankful, I get emotional, I get confused, I get side tracked, I get happy, I get desperate, I get lonely ………I get fearful that God doesn’t want me.

I try so hard to find the right denomination to join and I just end up nowhere.

What is wrong with me that I just cannot find the inner peace I so desperately need. I have been in counselling now for about 4 – 5 years and yes I have made great changes, but I still hoard, I still buy things of no relevance I still feel empty I still feel alone I still feel unworthy. I cry out to God but I i don’t think he wants me . I read the Bible. I know what I believe to be the truth, I know what i believe to be the new world,I know what makes sense to me, but here I am still not belonging to a church , still feeling alone and still feeling disconnected from God,. I find one thing in a denomination I find hard to accept and that it is. I turn away from them. Do church goers really believe everything their denomination preaches? I used to take such comfort from pastor Doug, pastor Bradshaw, pastor Pearson, pastor Halvosen, but because I can not accept the tithe issues I have walked away and will not watch , because I think they are trying to trick me, like I have been tricked so much in my life……I don’t want to offend God but in doing so I have removed myself so far away from him, I truly believe he has given up on me……………..

this scares me because I don’t want to give up on myself and I feel like I’m getting to the point where I feel, what is the point……..I’m just setting myself up to be tricked and made a fool of.

I want to be a better person without a big void in my life and i have asked God in to my life but I fear I am too damaged

10 Things Borderlines Deal With Daily

One of the best articles I have seen. Describes exactly day to day struggle living with bpd

Sloth Speed Recovery

Borderline Personality Disorder is a very intense disorder of behaviour and intensified emotions, often described by medical professionals as a roller coaster. Trauma and other factors contribute to the formation of ones personality, and borderlines experience extremes daily. Though the disorder may not be seen on the exterior, it is very real and is hard for anyone to understand, even one living with the condition.

The following are common daily occurrences for the average borderline, and may help you to understand the condition better.

fear-of-abadonmentFear of Abandonment. The most common Borderline trait is the fear of abandonment, and it is an everyday occurrence. As people grow older, they realize that people leave their lives, but we have witnessed it repeatedly in unnecessary forms. It could just be assumed abandonment or, other situations may feel like it. Having to leave a phone call, a coworker leaving work or having to say goodbye…

View original post 891 more words

What is your thorn?

Just watched Pastor Byrd and felt compelled to share. Im one for complaining Im a half glass empty kind of person. I moan about this and I moan about that ,I make situations 100 times worse because I moan and complain. Todays sermon I watched was about identifying your thorn and recognising that God may leave the thorn so that it makes you more Holy. When I first started to watch this sermon I thought how could God do that . Why would he want people to suffer but as I watched it became more apparent to me that the scripture 2 peter 3:9 is evidence of this. I can identify that my thorn is bpd. It affects my life so much but what it has also done now is draw me closer to God as I ask him daily to help me deal with the confusion and chaos bpd can bring to me. If God wants to save me then my thorn has a positive spin about it. This is what is drawing me closer to him. It may be hard to bear now but God allows it to stay there for a reason. He wants me to be saved and he wants me to assist to save others ………..this is a huge revelation to me today. Thank you God for using Pastor Carlton Byrd to deliver this message. It has helped me to take a different look at my thorn.