7+ Months Despite Everything

Current mood:  anxious

I will start this by reminding myself that I truly never believed I would make it this far as a non smoker…That really is hand on heart.  Smoking defined me!  Not sure how much sense that makes but I used to start,  and finish everything with a cigarette. To smoke 30 cigarettes a day was easy….To go 1 hr without torture!  I would hate school concerts plays talks etc because I knew I couldnt smoke.  Everybody who knows me know how I live only for my kids…But I smoked whilst pregnant, I smoked in the same room when they were babies, I smoked in the car when they were in the back…I smoked without a thought to anybody else.

7+months smoke free and this past 2 weeks have been a real test of my strength…My eldest son has left home after so much trouble, fighting, arguing, rowing.  I have no idea where he is….until I say sorry he wont speak to me….I have nothing to say sorry for, so I guess I have to wait for the day that he finally grows up and stops thinking that I owe him because I divorced his violent father.  I am not in the wrong….I love him dearly but I cannont take the anger and hatred aimed solely at me…..It is misplaced and he really needs to confront that demon head on!

My youngest son has just got confirmation that he’s been accepted for the RAF…He’s 16…..and my baby….This one is so tough for me to deal with…I go on about my business fine then find myself crying just out of the blue…..I really will find this hard to cope with….Somewhere and somehow I figured my sons would always be aged 9, 8 and 6…..fun times for me and a period where I truly felt I had a purpose in life and had unconditional love…….So for me to be sat here typing with 7+ months quit under my belt, is a true picture of  my inner strength.


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