Went to counselling today. Last NHS session next week, which really has been freaking me out. I guess the NHS are ok if you have some uncomplicated personality error you wish to smooth out….So the week after next I start private counselling. Th thought of going through all this emotional shite with a new person is very daunting but one I know i have to do if i truly want to shake this monkey from my back. I have come a long way these past 4 months but i know i have much more work to do….
I wanna talk treetop murders.For years I thought i had been so lucky to be part of a very exciting love affair. Full of adrenaline, a love so strong i thought it could never die. The thrill of being caught the thrill of knowing we we doing something nobody knew about it. For years I thought I was so special and had the perfect relationship. He was going to love and cherish me forever and never hurt me….For years I clung to the thought that our love was like no others….indeed it wasn’t……It’s just now at 43 I recognize how much like no other love it really was……You see I was 14 and he was 44…Married with 2 children, one just a few years younger than me. I never knew at the time it was wrong. I didn’t like the physical side of things but being helped with my homework and listening to me i craved…he treated me like a human being but I paid a heavy price….I feel like a large part of my life has been a complete sordid messy lie. Im now only discovering why I am so emotional, why i think so black and white, and why some days I have truly wish i was dead……..So treetop murders will be my code name for this operation to put me back together again. its kind of apt and fitting (to me anyway)