Never to be ill

Today has me thinking about so many crap situations in my childhood.  Last week on mothers Sunday, it wasn’t enough for me to send a card and gift, I was also expected to send a text.  I didn’t feel to send a txt i didn’t want to. She kicked off some shitty text about how stupid she was to expect a txt, no mention of the card and gift.  so I decided right there. Ive had it , I quit, I’m no longer going to play your game. i don’t need you in my life, you are of no support to me. you only make me feel shit about myself.And that’s what i have done,  I haven’t txt her called her nothing.  i hasten to add she too hasn’t contacted me but i didn’t expect her to. So does this mean I’m finally well enough to go no contact with her? I always dreamed about no contact and the times in my life when she has decided I’m not worthy to be spoken to for years, have actually been quiet and peaceful times of my life. So lets see what happens.  I suspect there will be some grand gesture from her which will be made to force me to say how thankful and grateful i am.  At the moment i only want silence.

A random memory popped up today, one of me never being allowed to be ill. This was by both parents. He was just as bad as her.  I suffered from migraines and would be brought home from school.  Made to lie dead still in my bed when my father came home for lunch in case he heard me and knew i was ill.  Migraines cause you to vomit………I feared i would vomit and be found out that i dare to be ill and in bed.  What crazy crazy parents………but what have they done to me now…I wont seek medical help for illnesses, I often feel like im faking things for attention.  I never know if something im feeling is real…….Everything with my mother is a competition even my diabetes neglect was seen as a competition.  i have had several episodes where my sugar is so high it doesn’t register on my meter.  This is through self harm.. When i want to hurt myself i withhold medical treatment. “oh i had that!”  that is her bulk standard answer…..Shes had it but worse,.  Sad fact is she hasn’t…and by her belittling me its makes me worse, which means i self harm even more. I take wrong diet as well as no injections.  i don’t go to the hospital when told my heart rate is 144 and i cant breathe or see very well. because lets face it , its normal, Im just making a fuss over nothing.  Lord knows what im doing to my body, by allowing my sugars to rage in such ways.  But to me its normal, normal to abuse, normal to hate myself and normal to make myself suffer. so maybe the time has truly come to once and for all distance myself.  and maybe just maybe i can put a little of me back together and save myself before its too late.

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