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Am I too damaged that God doesn’t want me?.

I pray, I cry, I talk , I get mad, I get thankful, I get emotional, I get confused, I get side tracked, I get happy, I get desperate, I get lonely ………I get fearful that God doesn’t want me.

I try so hard to find the right denomination to join and I just end up nowhere.

What is wrong with me that I just cannot find the inner peace I so desperately need. I have been in counselling now for about 4 – 5 years and yes I have made great changes, but I still hoard, I still buy things of no relevance I still feel empty I still feel alone I still feel unworthy. I cry out to God but I i don’t think he wants me . I read the Bible. I know what I believe to be the truth, I know what i believe to be the new world,I know what makes sense to me, but here I am still not belonging to a church , still feeling alone and still feeling disconnected from God,. I find one thing in a denomination I find hard to accept and that it is. I turn away from them. Do church goers really believe everything their denomination preaches? I used to take such comfort from pastor Doug, pastor Bradshaw, pastor Pearson, pastor Halvosen, but because I can not accept the tithe issues I have walked away and will not watch , because I think they are trying to trick me, like I have been tricked so much in my life……I don’t want to offend God but in doing so I have removed myself so far away from him, I truly believe he has given up on me……………..

this scares me because I don’t want to give up on myself and I feel like I’m getting to the point where I feel, what is the point……..I’m just setting myself up to be tricked and made a fool of.

I want to be a better person without a big void in my life and i have asked God in to my life but I fear I am too damaged

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Last week 

So tomorrow i start my last week as an estate manager .i can already feel the stress bubbling inside but i hope i can see the week through with not too much upset. Its very strange to be leaving a job i am not going to miss. Especially one i have tried so very hard to be good at. And i have done a good job just a shame its not been appreciated but hey thats what happens when you work with joe public.

My religious quest as ever is complicated. My only real certainty is the sda are not for me. I have never heard back from the pastor cant help but feel that is income related…….

As for the jw and christadelphians im unsure. I cant get my head round no satan and alot of the videos the christadelphian produce are surrounding russia and syria. So im not.much further with my study there.

With the jw i get an uneasy feeling about their shunning and their strict policies of holidays. If you work with the public how do you avoid not becoming involved with halloween and easter and christmas etc. I dont celebrate any of these but they are holidays and as such a time.for.families to get together. That worries.me that is frowned upon. So my quest continues ……