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What is your thorn?

Just watched Pastor Byrd and felt compelled to share. Im one for complaining Im a half glass empty kind of person. I moan about this and I moan about that ,I make situations 100 times worse because I moan and complain. Todays sermon I watched was about identifying your thorn and recognising that God may leave the thorn so that it makes you more Holy. When I first started to watch this sermon I thought how could God do that . Why would he want people to suffer but as I watched it became more apparent to me that the scripture 2 peter 3:9 is evidence of this. I can identify that my thorn is bpd. It affects my life so much but what it has also done now is draw me closer to God as I ask him daily to help me deal with the confusion and chaos bpd can bring to me. If God wants to save me then my thorn has a positive spin about it. This is what is drawing me closer to him. It may be hard to bear now but God allows it to stay there for a reason. He wants me to be saved and he wants me to assist to save others ………..this is a huge revelation to me today. Thank you God for using Pastor Carlton Byrd to deliver this message. It has helped me to take a different look at my thorn.

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Go and meddle elsewhere

I dont want  my past dragged up and flaunted in my face.  you know nothong about the shit that has happened in my life. you know nothing  about  the twats that decided to play and destroy the innocence in me.  due to your own insecurities  you want to prod and exploit mine.  go away and grow up. if you knew the can of worms you were opening youd realise  you are dangerously  playing with somebodys sanity. in your quest to please your own shortcomings you risk me.  i cant accept that. I will not accept  that. you know  nothing about the hurt you are causing about the raw emotions  you are reopening. go away and look at your  own life and your own hurt.  deal with your own shit and leave me to deal with mine.  you think your  life is perfect. If only you knew the truth. You’d  run a mile or would you?  im beginning to think this is your thing. meddling for the sake of causing distress……does it ease your  pain ?

Prince purple pain

Prince died.   A part of my life spent listening to what I thought were poignant lyrics also died. Lyrics I spent hours listening to reminding me of secret rendezvouz secret meetings of a secret love affair

 A love affair nobody knew about. A love affair so strong and only Prince could write the lyrics to support that time in my life . I would die 4 u ! I truly believed I would die for you . I don’t expect you even remember that I very nearly died for you . I bet I lie buried deep within your mind hidden and buried! Or in your mind you have justified how you had a relationship with me , how I pursued you , how I oozed sexuality blah blah. 

We spent hours listening to Purple Rain , in the back of your rover . You even started to like the album and loved nicki and grinding! But now that i am 46 it is bittersweet memories I am left with. I hear the songs being played on Mtv As the tributes are played and my mind is taken back to that time but now I can’t see the past in the same rose tinted glow. 

This wasn’t love , this was abuse! I was 14 you were 44 I truly believed it was my perfect love affair. But you knew the vulnerability in me, you helped me with my home life and I trusted you. 

I’m still not  ready to deal with this but I’m getting stronger.every conselling session brings me closer to being happier and realising that your behaviour was NOT my fault . 

So for me , thank you Prince for the beautiful music , and I will continue on my journey to turn my purple pain back to purple rain . See you in the new world x

Never good enough

Made to feel like a failure made to feel like there was something wrong with me. Made me feel like I was so bad made feel that nobody could love me. These were your caring acts towards me ,a way to bring up a daughter a way to destroy a soul. But now I’m breaking g free from your lies and your deceit I’m seeing me through my eyes and not the eyes you made me look through. And yes I have faults and yes I have issues. But you know what?!!! I’m not as bad as you said I’m not hurtful I’m not ungrateful I’m not selfish I’m me…. A fragile soul breaking free from the torment

You were 44 and so too now am I……………..

So the age of discovery has arrived.  The golden age of 44 and still I don’t get it.  I don’t see how you could have been remotely interested in me, 14 and so so naive. so easy to persuade so easy to impress so easy to …………………….

I have often wondered if at age 44 something happens like a mid life crisis, a complete breakdown of personality a complete reversal of likes and hates.  But no….i feel the same, I still like Andy Bell from Erasure,(great show tonight btw, you still looking HOT!) I still like Dave gahan, i still like men, and still like them older than me……So I guess you had the problem, i suspect you always did and always will.  You’re 74 now and i bet the sick passion still lurks in your mind. I hope the guilt is rotting in your very core and I hope each night you never truly relax in your sleep. because one day, you will never know when…………one day you will have to answer to your sins.  You changed my life and as a result I’m trying to rebuild ……..rebuild,? maybe that’s the wrong word.  I’m, trying to work out who I should really be…………..

and Tavo……I missed you today but i know one day xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx .you look after them for me and tell them about a fish called wanda. xxxx

You left me……..you said you never would

Its been so long since we spoke, laughed, cried, hugged……..

Its so lonely without you, why did you leave me? You said you never would…….

I try so hard each day to believe you are still near me, but I feel you so far away from me now.

One day, if paradise does exist, we will be reunited and Fish called Wanda will make up roar with laughter and it will be like we have never been apart.

Death on earth is so final…

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Good times

How did his wife not know?

Reading the Daily mail today I felt compelled to write a post as I too have often wondered how the hell does the wife not know?

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/debate/article-2319177/AMANDA-PLATELL-Just-earth-did-Stuart-Hall-fool-poor-family.html

The above link for story which inspired this post……..So how does a wife not know the darker secrets of such husbands.  I suspect they do…….Which in my minds makes them almost as guilty as the abuser.  In my situation, i cant really see how she didn’t know!   She met him entering the house at 6 in the morning when she was leaving.  She must have wondered where he had been…?  I was always at the house I know i was the baby sitter and cleaner but still…….did it never enter her head why I was there so much? i truly think she knew and did nothing because it suited her to not….He was paying half the mortgage, they had separate lives and shared the child care.  Makes me angry though.  Another person who could have stopped the whole sordid affair.  I suspect the daughters must know.  When they think back now as adult women they surely must put two and two together… I do remember him making a comment once that one of daughters commented that he was coming out one night to see me.  I guess he covered with lies and no more was thought about it.  But as adults now they must look back and think hey did he ?

And now on to his new wife?  I guess as she has produced another daughter for him , she must be much younger than him ..Hes 70 odd now .  Does she know his past?  Has he told her how a 14 year old girl pursued him for years, and he had to give in ……I can just imagine the crap he tells himself.  But i know and he knows the truth, and for that he will carry to his grave.  For me I will make sure I find some love for myself and stop blaming and hating myself…I will not go to my grave with his dirty conscience…