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Am I too damaged that God doesn’t want me?.

I pray, I cry, I talk , I get mad, I get thankful, I get emotional, I get confused, I get side tracked, I get happy, I get desperate, I get lonely ………I get fearful that God doesn’t want me.

I try so hard to find the right denomination to join and I just end up nowhere.

What is wrong with me that I just cannot find the inner peace I so desperately need.  I have been in counselling now for about 4 – 5 years and yes I have made great changes, but I still hoard, I still buy things of no relevance I still feel empty I still feel alone I still feel unworthy. I cry out to God but I i don’t think he wants me .  I read the Bible. I know what I believe to be the truth, I know what i believe to be the new world,I know what makes sense to me,  but here I am still not belonging to a church , still feeling alone  and still feeling disconnected from God,. I find one thing in a denomination I find hard to accept and that it is. I turn away from them.  Do church goers really believe everything their denomination preaches?  I used to take such comfort from pastor Doug, pastor Bradshaw, pastor Pearson, pastor Halvosen, but because I can not accept the tithe issues I have walked away and will not watch , because I think they are trying to trick me,  like I have been tricked so much in my life……I don’t want to offend God but in doing so I have removed myself so far away from him, I truly believe he has given up on me……………..

this scares me because I don’t want to give up on myself and I feel like I’m getting to the point where I feel, what is the point……..I’m just setting myself up to be tricked and made a fool of.

I want to be a better person without a big void in my life and i have asked God in to my life but I fear I am too damaged

What is your thorn?

Just watched Pastor Byrd and felt compelled to share.  Im one for complaining Im a half glass empty kind of person.  I moan about this and I moan about that ,I make situations 100 times worse because I moan and complain.  Todays sermon I watched was about identifying your thorn and recognising that God may leave the thorn so that it makes you more Holy.  When I first started to watch this sermon I thought how could God do that . Why would he want people to suffer but as I watched it became more apparent to me that the scripture 2 peter 3:9 is evidence of this.  I can identify that my thorn is bpd. It affects my life so much but what it has also done now is draw me closer to God as I ask him daily to help me deal with the confusion and chaos bpd can bring to me.  If God wants to save me then my thorn has a positive spin about it.  This is what is drawing me closer to him.  It may be hard to bear now but God allows it to stay there for a reason. He wants me to be saved and he wants me to assist to save others ………..this is a huge revelation to me today. Thank you God for using Pastor Carlton Byrd to deliver this message. It has helped me to take a different look at my thorn.

Amazing Facts Feb 2nd

? Why were the Ten Commandments put on two tablets instead of just one ?

In my ignorance I didn’t even know this. I thought they were on one. Some scholars think 5 on one and 5 on another.  Or 4 and 6.

So a little research tells me that they were on 2 stones.

This leads me to ask my own question……..Where are they now? If they were written by Gods own finger, were they not deemed the most precious?? Looks like I will have to do some more research on this.

Endoscopy results

I have oesophagitis reflux gastritis and erosions. At least I know why i have pain and acid.  Cant say endoscopy is top of my bucket list but it was tolerable. Got to up my ppi to keep the acid from causing more damage.

On more postive news I was offered the job.  30 hours over 4 days and 3 days in office and 1 as locum, sounds really exciting and looking forward to starting.

Be glad to leave this current role as too much stress and agrivation which will only lead to more stomach issues. About time I tried to calm my life down now and stop all the stress that goes on. Too much of my body is being affected by stress.

I watched a good sermon today by Pastor Doug Batchelor about the Ten Commandments. How they are there for us to recognise sin.  It made a lot of sense to me and I hope it will help me to look at things in a more biblical way.

Last week 

So tomorrow i start my last week as an estate manager .i can already feel the stress bubbling inside  but i hope i can see the week through with not too much upset.  Its very strange to be leaving a job i am not going to miss.  Especially one i have tried so very hard to be good at.  And i have done a good job just a shame its not been appreciated but hey thats what happens when you work with joe public.   

My religious quest as ever is complicated.  My only real certainty is the sda are not for me.  I have never heard back from the pastor cant help but feel that is income related…….

As for the jw and christadelphians im unsure.  I cant get my head round no satan and alot of the videos the christadelphian produce are surrounding russia and syria.  So im  not.much further with my study there.

With the jw i get an uneasy feeling about their shunning and their strict policies of  holidays.  If you work with the public how do you avoid not becoming involved with  halloween and easter and christmas etc. I dont celebrate any of these but they are holidays and as such a time.for.families to get together.  That worries.me that is frowned upon. So my quest continues ……

Tithing

Tithing – is this still relevant today? I know plenty of denominations who tithe but do the scriptures preach we should.

On my journey with SDA this has always been an issue for me and one that ultimately meant i stopped going to bible study.  My husband is a non believer . He doesnt mind me pursuing my faith but when the issue of tithing came up he was opposed.  I am the sole earner in my family due to my husband being disabled.  I don’t earn very much and we live month to month.  Sometimes not making it through the month without help.when i explained about sda tithing i can understand that he was opposed.   So i made the decision to stop my studies.  BUT i still watch sda TV and enjoy the various sermons on the internet
Last night while watching lets pray on my roku box i wondered which is more important to God . Me paying or not paying tithe or me accepting Jesus and paying what i can afford when i can afford it.  Surely the adventist life isnt all about tithing. Can you get kicked out for not tithing. What do adventists with non believing partners do.  If you do not get baptised are you duty bound to still tithe?

I feel alone trying to work through this but I will contibue to pray and hope God will give me an answer.